<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Hold on to What You Love by pencilguin</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23806672">Hold on to What You Love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pencilguin/pseuds/pencilguin'>pencilguin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Discovery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:00:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,343</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23806672</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pencilguin/pseuds/pencilguin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>[spoilers for S2] <br/>Hugh struggles with the aftermath of his choice to go with Paul and what it means for him emotionally. That's how Paul finds him, and reaches out.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hugh Culber/Paul Stamets</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>USS Spaceboos ficlets and snippets</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hold on to What You Love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Tried to do that thing with writing as a coping mechanism or something. </p>
<p>Not beta'd, sorry for any mistakes.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hugh?”</p>
<p>He looks up. Paul’s standing in the door, hovering, uncertain. Hugh can practically feel it. He didn’t even hear the doors open and close, lost too deep in his own thoughts. Again.</p>
<p>He tries to smile but can’t tell if he’s succeeded. Paul’s pained expression doesn’t instill hope.</p>
<p>“It’s okay.” He pats the spot beside him on the bed, inviting Paul to sit down. He’s wearing one of the neutral, dark blue outfits the sickbay replicators spit out for freshly discharged patients who are in need of a new set of clothes. Considering that it’s been a few hours since he was permitted to go home, and he doesn’t look like he took Hugh’s advice and slept, he must have been in his — formerly their — quarters and thinking. Probably pacing.</p>
<p>
  <em>“When you get home, you should rest. Your body is still weakened. My shift is over, too. If — whenever you want to talk, my door is open.”</em>
</p>
<p>Hugh remembers his words to Paul earlier. He exhales with a sigh while the mattress sinks next to him as Paul slowly sits down.</p>
<p>“We need to talk.”</p>
<p>“I know. We have a lot to talk about.” Hugh hesitates. “Maybe one thing at a time.”</p>
<p>For a moment Paul remains in a familiar silence, sorting his thoughts and choosing his words. “Yes. But before all of these things, before we get to me and you…” He turns sideways to face Hugh now, who looks up from their hands on the edge of the mattress. “Hugh, are you okay?”</p>
<p>Startled he asks, “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“I know you chose me… you chose us. And I know it’s been a few days since; you’ve had some time to process all of this. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there for you during that time —”</p>
<p>Hugh puts a hand on Paul’s knee, gently halting his stream of words. “It’s okay, that wasn’t your fault, you were —”</p>
<p>“— Incapacitated, I know. But that’s why I want to check on you now.” He seeks Hugh’s eyes, concerned and attentive. “I know what you left behind. <em>Who</em> you left behind. How are you coping?”</p>
<p>“I…” Hugh’s lip starts trembling. At worst, Paul can be downright inconsiderate sometimes. But this is something he’s always had down, as long as it didn’t have to do with him: making sure that Hugh was okay. Because he <em>cares</em>. It’s not always obvious, and he’s certainly far from perfect when it comes to recognizing his own faults. But at his core, Paul will always do absolutely <em>anything</em> in his power to make sure that Hugh is okay. The gesture is so simple, so profound, that emotion wells up in Hugh with a force that catches him completely off-guard, and it’s not a memory — this one is real, visceral, these are <em>his feelings</em>, right now. And what he’s feeling is love.</p>
<p>What it also does is that it causes a dam to break inside of him, the flood of all these feelings Hugh has been holding back ever since their jump, to be dealt with later when immediate danger was averted, but always nagging in the back of his mind, now finally rushing out.</p>
<p>A harsh sob beyond his own control bursts out of him, rocking his whole body. “I’m —”</p>
<p>“May I?” Paul asks gently, opening his arms. Without needing to think about it, Hugh leans into him. His embrace is immediately soothing, familiar in that unique way that only Paul could be. The only one that truly could compare was… his mother.</p>
<p>“I don’t think I’m okay,” he mutters slowly. “Not yet… I have made my choice, and I don’t regret it. But I… I don’t think I have really processed it yet, until now.”</p>
<p>“Is that what you were thinking about?” Paul asks softly. His hand has started rubbing the back of Hugh’s head, fingers gently brushing his hair. “You seemed very deep in thoughts.”</p>
<p>“Yes. I’ve just been thinking that — how… They’re really, definitely gone. Forever out of reach.”</p>
<p>Another sob shakes him. Paul just holds on silently, a hand lightly rubbing his back.</p>
<p>“In this time, here and now… S-she’s dead. All of them are dead.” His voice breaks when he adds, “My mother <em>died</em>, Paul. And I know it’s ridiculous, but I can’t bear the thought.”</p>
<p>He looks up with slightly tear-blurred vision and sees Paul’s lips pressed together as tightly as he can, sees his own tear-streaked cheeks mirrored in his face. Already Paul’s eyes have started turning red, like they so easily do on the rare occasions when he cries. Unable to bear the sight of him, nor the weight of his own grief, he buries his face into Paul’s chest again.</p>
<p>“I — I know it’s not logical. She’s had a full life, back in her time. Most of them did. But to think that… everyone I’ve ever known outside of this ship has been dead for hundreds of years…” He draws a shaking breath again, unable to continue.</p>
<p>“Shh… I know.” Paul’s embrace tightens a little. “I’ve been thinking about the same things.”</p>
<p>“And they all thought we died. My parents — my parents already lost me once. Then I came back… Now they’ve lost me again.” The pain in Hugh’s chest, in his heart, threatens to overwhelm him. “I didn’t even get the chance to meet them again. I commed them, of course. But — but that’s just not the same…” Fresh tears well up in his eyes as the realization hits him that this body has never once hugged his mom, that he will never know what it would feel like for him now to hold his dad.</p>
<p>Paul sniffs too; Hugh feels the inhale reverberate through the body pressed against his. Paul is his family now; that’s what he’s told him, and he meant every word. That doesn’t make it any easier to accept that he is the <em>only</em> family Hugh now has left.</p>
<p>“Did you have time to record a message for them?” Paul asks him quietly.</p>
<p>Hugh briefly wipes his face with his left hand, but otherwise doesn’t let go. “Only a short one, a couple of minutes. I…” He takes another deep breath, tries to keep it calm. “I just let them know that I love them, and that they shouldn’t worry about me.” He laughs briefly, half-choked, considering the absurdity of it all from their perspective. A little more calmly he adds, “I told them that I chose Discovery. That I chose you. I wanted them to know that we were going to be okay, together.”</p>
<p>Paul pulls him in a little closer. “What helps me,” he begins slowly, “is reminding myself that we did this for them. We saved everyone.”</p>
<p>Hugh nods, hoping that Paul can tell. It feels like he does. He squeezes Paul a little tighter, lets the warmth and scent of him surround him. For the first time since his return from death, he finds true comfort.</p>
<p>“I miss them. Paul, I miss them so much…”</p>
<p>“I know.” The high pitch in Paul’s voice gives away his own composure crumbling. “I miss them all, too. And I’m — I’m so sorry, Hugh…” He breathes in shakily, then out again. “I’ll do anything for you that I can. I’ll always be here if you — if you need me. If you want.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Hugh whispers.</p>
<p>“Tracy… Tracy told me this morning that we’ll all need time to grieve. You’re allowed to grieve, too. Take — take all the time and space for it that you need.”</p>
<p>Again, he merely nods. For a while they remain like this in silence, occasional sobs still shaking them, but slowly ebbing away.</p>
<p>“Paul?” he asks quietly after some time.</p>
<p>“Hm?”</p>
<p>“I… I don’t think I can be alone tonight. I know we’re not back yet to where we left off, and I can take the couch if you prefer. But… I can’t handle solitude right now.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Paul says softly. For a moment he hesitates, before kissing the top of Hugh’s head. “Anything you want, love.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>These are tough times. Take care everyone, both of yourselves and of each other. &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>